I remember standing on that stage thinking, I can’t do this, but I won’t embarrass the one I love either. The crazy thing is, I never said YES when my husband popped the question. I just held my hand out. I never understood how you could be so excited, but so sad at the same time until that day. I was confused because I thought this moment was supposed to give you chills and be the best thing ever like in the movies. Instead I felt my anxiety go to a whole different level. A wife! How can I be a good wife? I barely know any wives! I don’t even know myself yet.

Shortly after the proposal, we attended our engagement party to celebrate our love with family and friends. Everyone kept hugging and congratulating me and I felt super forced to smile and be happy. I’m sure it was the same feeling Beyoncé felt the night Solange beat up Jay-Z in the elevator 😂. My girl walked out smiling and waving like she ain’t just witness a wtf moment. I should have won an Oscar that night. My mind was constantly racing. I kept thinking, okay, I know that I love him, I know that he’ll be an awesome husband, but I don’t know if I’ll be an awesome wife. I’m not sure if I’m ready to give up my youth, I’m not ready to be submissive.

Growing up, I was never surrounded by married women. I was never that little girl who aspired to be married either. It just wasn’t an important factor in my life. My parents had never been married before. I’ve only attended two weddings in my life. One as a child, and one 2 weeks prior to being engaged. I didn’t even know you were supposed to bring a gift to a wedding 😩 I didn’t understand what a wife was supposed to be! The only reference I had was my auntie whom I didn’t spend a lot of time with, and the married women in the movies. I’m like ummmm okay I’ll have to cook, clean, listen to what he says and I can’t shake my ass no more 😂

As time went by and I finally expressed my feelings to my husband, I was so shocked at how open he was about everything I told him. I thought I was hiding my emotions from him, but he knew I was afraid the entire time. Shit I didn’t start planning my wedding to a year after our engagement. I remember crying on his shoulders on our red couch after watching the notebook thinking we could never be like Noah & Allie 😂 I told him all my insecurities. I told him that I wasn’t ready to cross over to the other side and do “wife things”. I was so confused when he continuously laughed at me when I was so damn sad. He said “Key, shut the hell up, you sound retarded” now I’m lowkey mad because nigga, I’m a thug, I don’t like to cry, and you see these tears in my eyes! He explained that he never expected anything from me but to be MYSELF. So I’m still ugly crying like SO I AIN'T GOTTA COOK?

BIGGEST CONCERN LOL

I felt so damn stupid. Mind you months have gone pass and I had been giving myself a whole damn “wife” training. Ordering books 🤦🏾‍♀️ talking to these damn nosey ass wives at my job, thinking about throwing away my booty shorts. All for nothing! I made myself believe in my mind that I was supposed to live up to this certain “standard” and if I didn’t, I would be judged for not being a “good wife”. Now that I’ve been married for a year and some change (soooo deep in the game) I look back at those moments and laugh uncontrollably. It’s crazy how those wife instincts I was so afraid of naturally kicked in. It’s kind of like becoming a new mom. You don’t need practice to care for your child, it just happens. There isn’t a true definition to being a wife. Don’t ever get caught up in the hype 🙄 Always, always, always, remain true to who you are tell everyone else to lick your balls.

Snap, you are my YES a trillion x infinity! You make marriage so easy! I’m happy that God choose you for me. Thank you for being the absolute best husband ever!

I Never Said YES!